The Story of Spoon The Story of Spoon or Why One Hamster Decided To Run For Pope (The Second Greatest Story Ever Told)

This story starts right when time was switching over from BC to AD. It takes place in the crowded streets of a city called Jerusalem. There was this guy named Jesus. It seems he had got into a little trouble with the locals and they decided to kill him. Well, after he was ruffed up a bit, they put a crown of thorns on his head, and told Jesus that he had the privilege of carrying a cross up the street to a hill unto which they would nail him up and Jesus would stay there until he died. I know this is not a pretty picture, but it is important to understand the shape Jesus was in when he met the hamster that latter on became known as Spoon. So, we have one man, beaten, bloody, and wearing a crown of thorns carrying a big wooden cross up a crowded market street. (Have I mentioned Jesus hadn't had much sleep either?). In the other corner we have one hamster that had packed his cheek pouches full of grapes from a local vendor. Spoon was sneaking away through the crowd of people when all of a sudden out of now where this bloody, ugly dude wearing a crown of thorns falls flat on the cobblestone street, face to face with Spoon. Spoon was already nervous for stealing the grapes, the sight of this guy was a little bit much. Spoon screamed his lungs out. All the grapes flew out of Spoon's pouches. They all landed in this beat up guy's mouth. These grapes were refreshing to the beat up guy. Very refreshing. So refreshing to the beat up guy that he felt the strength to get up, and walk the rest of the way to the hill. (It seems the beat up guy was on some kind of mission or something.) Well, before he got up (you've got to understand the Jesus guy was delirious by now) he rewarded the hamster with eternal life. (It turns out that he had them kind of powers, although they were supposed to be used on human's spirits.) Spoon didn't pickup on this at he moment, he was a little freaked out, and Spoon's biggest concern was getting the hell out of there! O.K., we have the story of how Spoon met Jesus and obtained eternal life. The average life span of a hamster is 3 to 4 years. When Spoon was sailing across the ocean with this guy named Christopher Columbus he started thinking maybe he had beat the average life span of the average hamster, by a few years anyway. Something wasn't right he thought. Not that Spoon was complaining about it, it was just a little bit of a mystery to him. 1969, Woodstock, New York. Joplin, Santana, Country Joe and the Fish, Hendrix, Spoon. It was a jam. A big jam. Free love, great music, Orange Sunshine, Spoon. By the end of three day music fest, Spoon had come to a complete understanding of what had happened to him on the crowded market street one thousand, nine hundred, and sixty nine years ago. End of mystery. Spoon was now on his own mission. Save and reform one of the oldest practicing Christian organizations in the world. The Catholics. By golly, it was time Spoon ran for Pope. Spoon based his agenda on the current winning political platform, Nixon's. Spoon setup a big rally in the heart of Chicago. (With the recent Democratic rally it was a political hot-spot.) Spoon cruised through the city streets on top of a 69 Firebird waving the famous peace sign. (Due to a recent wax job on the car, Spoon glued a magnet to his butt because he kept sliding off. The magnet is still there today.) Spoon led the papers to believe that the real pope was making an impromptu visit. So naturally there was a big parade all the way to the podium. With all the fever to see the real Pope, everyone thought Spoon, in his little Pope outfit was just a warm up. Knowing he would have to be Catholic, Spoon thought the first step would be to start drinking wine, after all, with all the masses he would have to hold, he needed to get adjusted to the customs. So he drank a lot of wine. So much wine that by the time he reached the podium, he was ripped. Spoon crawled up on the stool to the microphones to address the crowd, paws in the air, waving the peace sign. He promptly fell off the stool. This is where the rise and fall of Spoon, the only hamster to run for Pope begins... ...Back on the stool, Spoon started. There was electricity in the air and he felt it. (Spoon didn't realize he was standing on a microphone cord that had a short in it. ) Spoon was wound up. (Slightly toasted too!) He cried out for the plight of minorities, the homeless, people who were left handed, Republicans, the Chicago Cubs, the price of wine. (Night Train was Spoon's favorite brand.) The people went crazy! So did Spoon! All of a sudden the crowd started to part. Here came someone wearing a white robe with a big pointed hat. It was the Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan! He started going off on Spoon. Waving his clenched fist in the air. Saying Spoon was a traitor of the WASP American way. This interrupted Spoon's train of thought, besides, he had to pee anyway. Spoon climbed down off the stool, (really he fell off) and staggered over to the edge of the stage to the man wearing the pointed hat, who so rudely interrupted his great, I'm on the way to become Pope, speech, whipped it out, and promptly urinated all over the Grand Wizard of the infamous K.K.K.. Talk about a show stopper topper! The crowd went ballistic! It was complete pandemonium! Spoon, the only hamster to ever run for Pope, whizzing all over the mighty G.W. of the K.K.K.! WOW!! Needless to say, Spoon was a hero, hamster or not. A few days later, after he sobered up a bit, Spoon knew he was going to be Pope. He had conquered America! Now he had to win on the home turf. The Papal City, the Vatican, Italy. (Oh man, was there some good wine there. No Night Train though.) Working on a low budget, Spoon stowed away on the next available flight to the homeland. Yeah! Italy, where you could order a slice of pizza and a glass of wine and sit in a street cafe" and watch all the pretty girls go by, the big time. Spoon was confident. His triumph in Chicago give him all he needed to know that this was his destiny. He would be Pope. That is why he had lived so long, and would always be alive, to keep the Catholics in line and perpetuate the goals that crazy dude he had met on the crowded streets of Jerusalem. This was great. Spoon organized his agenda. He put up a stage in the big plaza, set up a microphone, (checking for live wires this time), and started campaigning. Mostly out of curiosity, people gathered. Of course Spoon had sipped , more like guzzled, a little wine. He had to keep in touch with the spirit(s) of things you know. He started speaking out for minorities, the homeless, some thought in tongues, (who were the Cubs the locals thought?), the same winning platform he had adopted in America. Why not, it had got him this far! About this time the fairly large crowd started to part. Here came a man wearing a white robe and a pointed hat. On cue Spoon thought, besides he had to pee anyway! Spoon, (knowing this would cinch things up) leaped off the stool and strutted his way over to the man wearing the pointed hat, whipped it out and promptly pissed all over the real Pope. (Spoon didn't realize the K.K.K. was an American thing.) No pandemonium. The crowd started to drift away, and quick. By the time Spoon made it back on the stool, there was no crowd. Only one hosed down dude in a white robe, and he did not look happy. Ten Years latter Phoenix, Arizona. I get into my fully restored 1969 emerald green Firebird. Hanging from my dash (remember the magnet?), was a completely toasted hamster, jamming out to Foghat, (on eight track tape), Slow Ride was playing. It had been ten years to the date that Spoon took his great fall. While listening to his sob story, and the Foghat tape about 50 times, I got drunk with him. Spoon has lived with me ever since. I gave him a job , keeping the car clean, and his self esteem later came back to him. (Spoon suffered a small relapse in 1987, when the Pope, a new one, came to Phoenix as part of his American tour.) Several cars latter, (CD player now!) Spoon still hangs with me, and is doing fine (better once I bought Foghat Live on CD.) I guess we all have our missions in life, some of us never realize them. At least Spoon tried! In the words of Spoon--- Peace, Love and "Night Train!"

The original biographical transcript was released in print in 1999 by, Rouge Dawg Publications. This version is the year 2000 SPECIAL EDITION w/Syntax corrections! Rouge Dawg Publications is now a subsidiary of, Kerbachard Scribe Werx. A newer, more syntax refined version is in the werx! Spoon-KsW™ ©2009-all rights reserved